THE HOLE IN THE WALL 



A FARCE, 



IN TWo acts. 



BY JOHN POOLE, ESQ: 

AVT^OR OF HAMLET TRAVESTIE. 



ffrom the first London edition, of 1813.] 



NEW- YORK ; 



FUBLISHED BY D. LONOWORTH, 

At the Dramatic Repository, 
Shakspeare-GalleTy, 

Dec. ni3. 



H^ 



PREFACE. 

In all ages, and in every civilized state, the ORAjyf a« 
with regard to its iniluence over the happiness aad the 
morals of society, has been considered as an object so 
worthy of attention, that the greatest statesmen, the 
most protbund philosophers, nay, even tlie most rigid 
divines, have occasionally applied their talents to 

— Pshaw ! that won't do ; to be serious about a farce I 
tis absolutely impossible. 

— Yet one must write something to look like a preface, 
well, then : 

No one ever sat down to write a farce with a thought 
in his head about a discriminating and just posterity ; 
about fame and her trumpet : or about a monument, or 
uir. FLAXMAN, or Westminster-abbey. To glide down to 
immortality upon the stream of reputation, and catch its 
breezes with a steady sail, requires a weightier ballast 
than a few farces ; the most your poor devil of a farce- 
writer hopes, is, to be allowed to paddle about a little 
time on its bosom, keeping clear of its muddy banks, yet 
never losing sight of shore. Now let me tell you, mr. 
JENKINS, tliat tis no easy matter to do even that. 

To drop the metaphor, else, to be candid, twill drop 
rae ; considering, therefore, the little reputation that is to 
be gained even by the most successful farce, isn't it hard 
tliat any one should endeavor to abridge it ?— 

Thank'e, mr. jenkins ; you are complimentary^ 

But then the plot — how they abuse my plot ! one critic 
says tis like the plots of the last thousand and fifteea 

farces all about love and courtship, and that it ends 

ill marriage. Now, I say that, old or new, this is the 



4 PREFAGE. 

best iSubject in the world for a farce : besides, 2k farce 
ought to end in marriage ; — for beyond it there's no joke, 
by Jupiter ! 

I belier« it has escaped general observation that, in 
the greater mumber oi' farces, the principal personages 
aire lovers : husbands and rvives are reseryed to " point 
*♦ the morals" of seeious comedies, or tragedies ! now 
that's rery odd ! but I think I can account for the distinc- 
tion ; for, in my opinion, but as it may chance to spoil 

my fortune with you, miss*** I'll keep ray opinion to 

myself. 

Another critic says, that my plot is like the plot of 
the Pannel. — 

— From Hyde-park corner to my friend mathew's 
cottage on tlie king's road, is a distance of about three 
miles. 

— Very true, mr. jenkins, this may not look like an 
illustration yet, but I'll make a very good one of it be- 
fore I've done with it. 

The toll-taker at Hy de-park-corner will tell you, that 
you are not obliged to go aleng tlie king's road, — you 
may go to it through Brompton. Now, mr. jenkins, 
we'll mount our horses, — start from Hyde-park-corner, 
I'll take the king's road, you go through Brompton, in 
half an hour we shall meet at our friend's cottage ; there 
we are. Now, sir, though the object of our journey has 
been tlie same ; though we set out from the same point, 
and both travelled on horseback, yet you will not affirm 
that we both passed over the same intermediate ground. 

No ; I came through Brompton, you along tlie king's 
road. 

Then I have established my position : for though the 
Pannel and the Hole in the Wall both begin with the dis- 
covery of a moveable wainscot, and enil with a marriage ; 
yet as the intermediate business of the one, differs totally 
from that of the other, they being as dissimilar as Bromp- 
ton and the king's road,and the moveable pannel being used 
as a means of concealment in the first-named piece, and 
as a means of communicating in the second, it cannot 
be iaid that the plots of the two pieces arc alikCc 



PREFACE. # 

But, after all, though I contend that the plot of the 
Hole in the Wall is unlike the plot of the Pannel, yet I 
do not mean to assert that it can boast of much novelty ; 
much less would I presume to suppose that the piece al- 
together possesses a degree of merit proportioned to the 
success it has met with ; for I am convinced that a worse 
piece 

If a worse could be found. 

I'll adopt your amendment, mr. jenkins — I am con- 
vinced that a worse piece, if a worse could be founds sup- 
ported, as this has been, by so much professional talent, 
t»uld hardly have failed. 



Ag 



DRAMATIS PERSONiK, 

DRURY-LANE. NEW-YORK, 

Mr. Yates 

— Carpender 

— Hilson 

— Pritchard 

— Jones 



0\d Stubborn, Mr. Lovegrove 

Capt. Courtney, — J. Wallack 

Martin, — Knight 

Jeremy, — Oxberry 

Snapall, — Maddocks 



Mrs. Latchet, 

Emily, 

Fanny, 



Mrs. Sparks 
— Orger 
Miss Kelly 



Mrs. Hogg 
— Darley 
?— Olimix^n 



THE HOLE IN THE WALL, 



A C T I. 



scKNE — tno adjoining houses — the house on the rights 
mrs. LatcheVs — that on the lefty old Stubborn' s. 

enter, from old Stubborn^s, martin. 

Bless my soul ! I've been in this cursed village three 
days, and if I remain in it three days longer I shall cer- 
tainly die of the vapors. My master, mr. Stubborn, is 
at perfect liberty to indulge himself in his odd whims, 
but he must not expect me to submit to them. A pretty 
freak indeed ! to leave London in June, when no per- 
son of the least fashion or consideration even thinks of 
the country till November ! had it j)leased nature to 
have made me a cabbage or a cauliflower, I might, pei- 
haps, have vegetated in this insipid place with tolerable 
composure. Eh ! here comes Fanny. Except eating, 
the society of that girl is the only rational enjoyment 1 
have. 

enter, from mrs. LatcheVs, fanny. 

Fan. Well, Martin, here I am. 

Mar. Yes, I see you are. But, pray, what have you 
teen doing at mrs. Latchet's, after our master's positive 
injunction, that not one of our family should have the 
least intercourse with her ? 

Fan. That must remain a secret, till 1 know whether 
you are rogue enough to be trusted- Would you put 
fifty pounds into your pocket ? 

Mar. Ay ; or a hundred, upon compulsion. 

Fa7i. Then be wise and they are yours. 

Mar. Then ibrtune and merit, after having been at 
variance for centuries, are, at last, going to shake hands. 
But I say, Fanny, are the means of obtaiaiiig them 
honorable ? 



« THE HOLE [Poole 

Fan. Purely : you must assist me to cheat our mas- 
ter. 

Mar. It ^vou'dn't be fair to take a bribe for that. 

Fan. Why not ? 

Mar. i^ecause we servants are in the habit of cheat- 
ing our masters every day — gratis. 

Fa7i. You are too scrupulous. But, to balance the 
account of conscience, by cheating our master, we shall 
serve our mistress. 

Mar. That will leave the acconnl too much in their 
favor. However, as I dare say we shall be able to make 
up tor our superabundant honesty some other way, Pm 
yours to command. 

Fan. You nuist know, then, that when the father of 
our young mistress, miss Enuly, died, he left her, theo 
an infant, luider the guardianship of our old master, mr. 
Stubborn ; and her twin sister Flirtllla to the care of 
rars. Latchet : but trusting the ultimate disposal, both 
of them and their fortunes, to the discretion of mr. Stub- 
born. 

Mar. Unuutiful lather ! 

Fm. Mr. Stubborn having freqiient occasion to visit 
ryirs. Latchet, on the subject of their respective charges, 
he one day lost his old lieart, and gave her a written prom- 
ise of marriage. But on comparing the charms of mrs. 
Latchet, at fifly-cight, with those of his ward, miss Emi-- 
ly, at eigiiteen 

Mar. The inference pops out by instinct. 

Fan. Well, then: to avoid the importunities of the 
old woman, and prevent captain Courtney's interviews 
with miss Emily, oiu" master determined upon secretly 
leaving London {"or this place ; but the widow, discover- 
ing his inteutious, immediately set off in pursuit; and 
that house adjoining ours being unoccupied, she engaged 
it. Now we ivant you to assist us in frustrating our 
master's "scheme of marrying his ward, and in obtaining 
his consent to her marriage with captain Courtney. 

Mar. Nothiog more easy : any of the lashionable 
novels, of tlie last twenty years, will furnish us with a 
scheme how a daughter may cheat her parents or a ward 
her guardian. 



Act I] m THE WALL 9 

Fan. For shame ! dont let us disgrace ourselves by 
stealing precedents ; let our roguery be original. He- 
sides, I have told you but one half of our design: we 
must not only prevent old Stubboin's marrying our 
young mistress, but must procure his marriage with rars. 
Latchet. You kno^v the reward — can you assist us ? 

Mar. Stare me full in the iaee, and you will see the 
lines of address and industry standing bump out on my 
forehead. Our master is as stingy as a lord ; ray service 
with him is not likely to afford either honor or profit : 
so I'll serve the opposite party to the last — scheme in 
my brains. But where is that uonpariel, the captain ? 

Fan. At mrs. Latchet's ; and our master's absence 
affording me the opportunity, I have just been holding a 
council with them, upon the present perilous state of 
our affairs, and the measures best to be adopted tor their 
amelioration. There's a parliamentary touch for you. 

Mar. Mrs. Latchet's business is settled : she has the 
old man's promise of marriage, and must compel him to 
ratify it by law. 

Fan. She'll never do that. She knows that the charms 
of that woman are but poorly estimated by the world, 
who, flying trom Cupid to the lord chancellor, seeks to 
obtain by law what love could not accomplish. Now 
run and bring miss Emily here ; I have promised the 
lovers an interview : after that we'll to council again ; 
and, if fortune favor merit 

Mar. Fortune, like most great people in office, is apt 
to let merit shift tor itself ; but impudence, Fanny, im- 
pudence is the never-failing passport to her presence, 
and on that we must rely. [exit into Stubborn's 

Fan. Here comes my hero. 

inter cautiously, from mrs. LatcheVs, capt. courtney. 

Capt. C. Well, my dear Fanny ; arty agreeable piece 
«f intelligence for me ? 

Fan. Two in a breath, captain : the all-accoraplish- 
«d and all-accomplishing Martin is on o.ir side ; -'id niis? 
Emily will bless you with herpr-^sence in an instant. 

Capt, C. I e?in never sufficiently reward you. 



10 THE HOLE [Pooie 

enter emil v, Jrom Stubborn^s. 

My beloved Emiiy after an age of absence — 
Emily. One moment is all 1 can grant you ; my guar- 
clian ir> expected to return every instant, and — 
Capt. C. Cruel Emily ! suflei- me but to declare — 
Fan. Dont, madam ; this is no time for declarations, 
er protestations, or any other sort of ations. We must 
instantly devise some plan to obtain your guardian's 
tons.' nt to your marriage. 

Capt. C. My part is decided : let us fly and — 
Emily. Impriulent ! consider that by marrying with- 
out the consent of my guardian 1 risk the loss of my fortune. 
Capt. C. ]>iest;vith you, my Emily, what greater pos* 
session car; I (U-sire ? 

Fan. Pshavv ! noiisense ! that may be all very fine ; 
but I am determined that my mistress shall not wanton- 
ly relinqussSi her fortune ; ac least, we will endeavor to 
accompiish your wishes. — Be prudent, captain, or I flj 
yourcoiors. 

enter martin. 

Mar. Huzza ! — huzza ! the day is ours ! 

Emily. What has happened ? 

Mar. Such a discovery ! talk of Cclurabus ! — 

Capt. C. Martin, I'm all impatience ! 

Mar. Talk oi the source of the Nile i 

Capt. C. Martiii, 1 say — 

Mar. Talk of the longitude ! 

Fan. Why, Martin, .Martin — 

Mar. Talk of the philosopher's stone ! 

Capt. C. My dear Martin, tell me instantly,—tak^ 
this, — [gi/ves money) 

Mar. 1 am one of the true discoverer-breed, [looking 
at the money) I'll now publish for the beneht of society 
— as I ;vas moving the large press in your apailment, 
{to Emily) I fiiscovered a moveable pannel — a hule ia) 
the wall, — which opens directly into mrs. Latchet's.— • - 
There's a discovery ! 

Capt. C. Well ; what then ? 

Mar. What then ! 1 wish yon good day, sir. {going) 

Ca^ji.C I doat understand you. 



Act!] TN THE WALL 11 

Mar. Novr dont you perceive with what facility you 
may now contrive your interviews with your dear Emily, 
and carry on your consultations with her, and her aunt, 
and Fanny, and — o ! you're a pretty fellow for a lover ! 
Capt. C. My dear Martin, I'm overjoyed. Your 
zeal shall not go unrewarded : be but faithful to us, and 
help us to cheat your master — and the fifty pounds shall 
be a hundred. 

3Iar. Where is the servant that wou'dn't cheat a 
hundred masters for one pound ? but a hundred pounds 
for cheating one master ! sir, your generosity binds me 
to you for ever. 

Fan. Come, come; we must not stand chattering 
here : let us go and acquaint nars. Latchet with our dis- 
covery. You, Martin, remain here, and give us notice 
of the enemy's approach, tliat we may return undiscov- 
ered. 

[exeunt all but Martin, into mrs. LatcheVs 
Mar. Now, Martin, my boy — courage, and a little 
brains, and your fortune is made. — The captain's hun- 
dred pounds, clearly prove tliat my master is behaving 
very ill in this business, and therefore there can be no 
harm in cheating him. — That's well reasoned. — There's 
nothing like the logic of Threadneedle-street ; tis prop- 
osition, argument, and conviction, in a breath. — But I 
have undertaken a difficult task ; for, though my master 
has no more sense than an oyster, he fancies himself a 
very Socrates.-— However, tis a strong point gained, 
%vhen one knows the weak side of one's adversary.— 

Egad, here he is ; I must give notice of his arrival.' » 

(going) 

enter stubborn. 

Stub. Very well, mrs. Latchet, very w ell ; you may 
play me these pranks if you please, but you will gain 
nothing by it: you will find I am not to be moved ; for, 
though I am by no means obstinate, yet, when I have 
once formed a resolution, the more I am opposed, the 
more positive I become. 

Mar. What the <levil is he grumbling about ? 



12 THE HOLE [Poole 

Stub. I left London in the hope of getting rid of my 
plagues, and here they come bump upon my heels. — 
But it won't do : they shall find that 1 harpoon myself 
into ray resolutions, and that trying to diiengage m<^ 
from them, only makes me stick tJie faster. 

JMar. I must be off. — (going) 

Stub. What, Martin, are you there ? 

Mar. No, sir, {going) but I shall be instantly. 

Shib. Come hither, Martin, I want you. 

3Tar. Your commands, sir. 

Siub. Martin, you are a good servant — a faithful ser- 
vant. 

Mar. Oh, sir ! (aside J how confoundedly ironical the 
old fellow is. 

Stub. Martin, I like you, for you are always of my 
opinion. 

Mar. Thereby I am always sure of being right.— •*- 
(going) 

Stub. As a reward for your good conduct, I intend t» 
bestow upon you 

Mar. Thank' e, sir ; how much ? 

Stub. How much ? pshaw ! you are not one of those 
mercenary servants who think of nothing but getting mo- 
ney. I have a nobler gift for you; my confidence, you 
rogue, my CHtire confidence. 

Mar. Sir, your confidence is as good as money to me. 
— {aside) If it be of the right sort, it will fetch me a 
hundred pounds. 

Stub. Then attend. The arrival of a certain persoR 
in this village, has very much alarmed me. 

Mar. Ah ! sir — that plaguy mrs. Latchet. 

Stub. Martin, a word in your ears — she be damned ; 
but she has brought that gunpowder captain with her. 

Mar. That's terrible, indeed, sir. 

Stub. Pooh ! pooh ! not at all ; I tliink I like it, Mar- 
tin ; I'll show them what metal I'm made of. Now, 

though I've something to say to the old woman, I'll not 
see her myself — for, after playing the faithless swain, it 
would be cruel to wound her tender old hesirt hy tMc 
siiht of me. 



Act 1] IN THE WALL 13 

Mar. Very true, sir. 

Stub. So I'll send you with a message to her. 

Mar. (asirfe)— That's lucky. 

Stub. '* I that am cruel, am yet merciful," as what's- 
his-name says in the play ; so tell her, as tenderly as pos- 
sible, that she and her captain may botli be da 

Mar. Stop one moment, sir ; you forget the captain's 
a fisihter. 

Stub. True, Martin; then tell her that Emily would 
have been my wife at tins moment, did I not wait the 
arrival of my brother, who wishes to be present at our 
marriage. 

Mar. Delightfully edifying ! you defer your own hap- 
piness to gratify the wishes of a biother. 

Stub. Ah ! he's my elder biother ; and as he has no 
children to contribute towards his happiness, you know 
I must — 

Mar. Very true, sir. 

Stub. Come in for every shilling he's worth. 

Mar. Ah ! sir ; nothing so effeotiially brings out tli« 
charities of life as the prospect of a good legacy. 

Stub. But legacy-hunting does not always succeed. 
There was mrs. Snuffle, an old widow of ninety-six, 
with a fortune of fifty thousand pounds : in hopes of a 
good slice of it, I used to trot five miles, night after 
night, through all weathers, to play at cribbage with the 
old deril ; and when she died, what do you think she 
left me ? 

Mar. Why, ten — twenty thousand pounds, perhaps ? 

Stub. She left me the cribbage board ; dam' me if she 
did not cut me off with the cribbage board ; and I was 
laughed at by all the town into the bargain. Let's see 
what Jeremy wants. 

enter jeremy. 

Jer. Oh, your honor ! your honor ! if your honor 
knowed what I know, with submission, you'd die with 
rage. 

Stub. Speak ; you alarm mp. 

M«tr. And me, bv the lord ! 
R 



il THE HOLE [Poolc 

Jer. As I was at work in your honor's garden, hum- 
ming a tune ; I tbiget vvluit I was humming. 

Stub. If you are h'jmmiug me, rascal 

Jcr. With submission, sir, dont be in a passion just 
ret. 

Stub. Will you grt to the end of your story, rascal ? 
Jcr. I have not got to thv^ bt^gianliig yet — bnt if you 
are r.ot in a passiio'.j presently, v/it3i subuiission, you 
dont deserre as hov ■ py b-:dy shcnld take tlie trouble 
to put yon in a pn^.si ii ::'x.n\\ as long as you lives. 
Mar. I'm in an iiS;onv. 

Stub. Tell me in a '.^ ('i-.', or, bj t!.c lord, I'll 

Jer. W^ell, then; bvit il yu-rlun r likes to hear a 
story without the graces, with submission, I pities your 
taste. 

Stub. Fetch me the blunderbuss, IVlariin; I'll blow 
the rascal's brains out. 

Jer. if yon do, your honor, you'll drive everj' thing 
•ut of ray hc;i': ac once ; bul you ; ball have yoiir l-.on- 
or°s . -n vay. iV * '^-.rat nork io 'w:'! hoi:!orsg?rden, 
I k'okru \.\: ut ':f.!i:. l-aichci/u ^vii:.'^'lv, and tiie;e » saw 
mrs. Latehet, and ^ ;7! ii Courtney, and miss Emily, all 
hugging ^ach othej ;oi ti;: xr jiie. 

Mar. The bl ock'iead has ruined us ! 
Stub. Confusicr^ ! 

Jtr. Master, I dont bear malice, especially as yor.'re 
■ay master ; and thoag-j you've spoiled as good a ftorjr 
as ever Mas made to telj, I'll advise you in thisattair; 
let the yori.ig jieople amtise themselves by all means. 

Stub. How dare you talk of advising me, you scoun- 
dreJ? come, Martin; we'll go and take them by sur- 
prise. 

Mar. Hold, sir. You know f never presume to 
advise yon ; but I san tell what you mean to do. 
Stub. Well, let's hear. 

JYiar. You mean to send Jeremy to keep watch out- 
side the door of miss Emily's apartment; me to surprise 
her at mrs. Latchet's; while you remain here nith your 
eyes fixed, like a Cerberus, upon that front door, so tfcat 
she raay not escape ire any way. 



Alt II IN THE WALL U 

Stub. Evactly what I meant to do ! tis an excellent 
schtiiie, i?;n't it ? 

Mar. Woii.lcrt'.iny ins^enious ! you have a most sur- 
prising; invoHLiou — (aside) when I take the trouble of 
thinking for yoi;. 

Sink. Non- %r it : fly, Martin — fly, Jeremy. 

Jcr. Goit>:; to fly, diivctiy, your honor. 

Afar, (aside) Now, then, ior our fii'st use of the hole 
in t'le wall. 
[exeunt Jeremy at i>tuhho-ni's — Martin at mrs. LatcheVs 

Siu^. [lofjJdng stea'lfasih/ at the doors) Now ^vliat 

Will tiie traitress say for {icrseH? o lerd ! o lord ! she's 
»vitti my rival ; I am eholtin;; with rage, love, jealousy, 
madness ! I'm dying, I'm dead ; eii ! wl'ut do I see ? I 
revive. Here she comes, .\vA out of my own house ! 
Jeremy, then, has been deceived. 

enter, from Stubborn' s, jev^emy, followed by emily and 

FANNY. 

Jer. If miss Emily isn't a witch, I'm no conjuror, 
that's all. 

Em'ly. How is this, sir ? is it by your ordeis vxit 
Jex-ciny I^as been watci^ing at my caa?"n'»er-aoer ? . 

Slub. O pardon, my d^^arEmiiy., theiaj't cf douM:;;^ 
love. 

Fanny. O, mad ini ! ibis tieatment cries alovff] t:,v 
vcoiieance. They have interrupted ns at tliat intere?*J'ji«; 
point of a romance, where two i'lithtui lovers vvero .-ex- 
changing m'ltual vows of constancy, i'l spite of the r/iie^ 
of a crusty old g-iardian, and planning Iiovv they iiiight 
escape his tyranny. 

Slxib. You have been reading a damned bad book, 
yon little rascal. 

Fanny. And to be disturbed by that ugly Jerc '.:j. 

Jer. Cgly Jeremy ! — non' that's false '; ii' it ver!^ true 
I'd file a criminal inibrmatioa against you, and ^urii-Ji 
jon tor a libel. 

Stub. Once more, pardon, my littje angel ; — one wni d 
from that pretty mouth, and I shah die e^'Joy, 

Fmny. Speak, miss ; perhaps ]\q'\\ ke^p his vropj. 



16 THE HOLE ^T<ioh\ 

Emih/, Then, once for all, sir, hear my determination 
1 will no longer either listen to your addresses, or submit ' 
to your tyranny, and from this moment, 1 will use ev- 
ery effort to free myself liora both. 

[exit\ 

Fanny. I hope you are satisfied, sir ; and, as for you, 
mr. Jeremy, take that — {slaps his face) [exit Fanny] 

Jer. O lord ! this is the reward of honesty. ' 

Stub. That will teach you to see clearer another time, 
blockhead. 

Jer. I'm positive I saw them together. — Art has done 
much for me, to be sure ; but, then, nature has been very 
bountiful ; and for an eye:-sight, or an appetite, I'll back 
myself against any man in England. 

Stub. Well; I'm not afraid other : she can't marry 
•without my consent ; — and, as for her arts, even that 
little firebrand, Fanny, to back them — egad, I've a head ; 
haven't I, Jeremy ? 

Jer. A head, — who the devil doubts it ? tis as plain as 
the nose on your face. 

[exeunt 



scEXE II — a room at old Stubborn's. 
enter martin cautiously, and taps at the opposite door. \ 

Mar. Fanny, Fanny I 

enter fanny. 

Fanny. Well, Martin ; we have succeeded to admira- 
tion. 

Mar. And now I've a scheme in my head ; but tis 
not in a state for exhibition yet ; — tis a scheme in the 
rough : tiie statue lies in the block, {touching his head) 
and we have only to chip away the kuobs and corners. 

Fanny. Then chip away as fast as possible. 

Mar. Is the resemblance you told roe of which Emily 
bears to her sister, FlirtiUa, now in Loudon, very stri- 
king ? 



Actij IIV THE WALL i7 

Fanny. So striking, that it would be difficult t^ di •> 
tlngnish one Irom tlio otlior, were it not lor tlie n amri - 
able dissimilarity of their manners : for vviiiie End'y i" ail 
ease :ind simpiicity, Flirtilla i<? ali vanity and atrectaliou, 

M&r. Excellent ! but are their voices alike ? 

Fanny. In tone, precisely ; bnt Flirtiila, having lived 
a great deal in tlie fashionable world, has acfiuin;d that 
low-life, high-life, mode of speaking ; [mimicking) that 
drowsy, drawling, drivelling yaw-yaw, manner, with 
mouth half open, and eyes half closed, which stamps tlie 
person of fashion, and which seems to have been 
invcjitefl by a club of fools, who, as the only way of con- 
cealing iheir folly, were compelled to render their con- 
versation u:. intelligible. That's it — 'pon my honor. 

Mar. Then Emily shall personate her ; — but fly ; — 
here comes old Stubborn ; I'll explain all presently. 

Famiy. I'll go and prepare Emily for the part. 

[exit Fanny 

Mar. And now, my old boy, we'll show you some 
play. • 

enter stubborn. 

Well, sir, no wonder poor Jeremy was deceived. Mrsc 
Latehet has brought her niece Flirtilla with her from Lon- 
don, — it was she whom Jeremy saw at the window. 
Egad, she is so like her sister Emily, that, had it not been 
for the diflference of her dress and manners, I could have 
sworn Emily had been before me. 

Stub. Flirtilla with her ! wjiy then its all as clear 
as the sun ; I knew all along Jeremy had made a blun- 
der ; I was sure Emily wouldn't play me such a trick : 
there's the e/Tect of education, Martin ; Emily, who 
has been brought up under my care, is a nice, steady, 
pretty, bewitching, o bless her! bnt Flirtilla, who has 
passed all her life with mrs. Latehet, is a vain, aftected, 
fan^'ifnl, o ! curse her ! 

Mar. All I poor mrs. Latehet ! we had a long talk 
about you, sir. 

Stub. And what did the old animal say ? 

Mar. She means to break your heart : she has cut yon, 
B 2 



it THE HOLE tPoole 

sir ; she says that she followed you here, not for the 
mere pleasure of beholding your beautiful face, but to gain 
consent to the union of her niece Flirtilla and captain 
Courtney, who has suddenly tallen in love with her : and 
as for you and Emily, she has done with you both for 
•ver. 

Stub. Why didn't you tell me this before, ray dear 
Martin ? I shall go wild with joy, I shall, o ! then, Emily 
will marry me to rereng* herself upon her faithless cap- 
tain. 

Mar. Yes, she'll cut off her nose to be revenged of her 
iftce. 

Stub. And do you call marrying me, cutting off her 
nose, and be damned to you ! and the old woman, in des- 
pair, of obtaining me, will give me back my written prom- 
ise. Well, Martin ; I think we may now C17 " victory," 
for fortune seems to have taken up the cudgels for us. 

[exit 

Mar, And if fortune will but triist her cudgels into 
iny hands for a short time, I'll give you a dressing with 
thcra to your heart's content. [exit 



SCENE III — a room at mrs. LatchcVs. 
enter mrs. latchet, captain courtnev, and martin. 

Mrs. Lat. I approve of your scheme in part, Martin : 
but I dont know what to say about surrendering the 
written promise. 

Mar. It will be the means of throwing him more off 
bis guard, madam ; and I'll undertake that he shall mar- 
ry you without it. 

Capt. C. Whatever you do be expeditious. 

Mar. Make yourself easy, sir, — you have nothing to 
do but disclaim all regard for Emily ; feign a sudden 
affection for Flirtilla ; sigh, look sad, and swear your- 
self black ; that's easy enough, you know, sir. 

Mrs. Lat. But should, mr. Stabbom desire to see 
*oth sisters at tlie same time. 

Mar, Leave tfeat to me 



jlctl^ IN THE WALL 19 

Trtrs. Lai. The deceiver ! but he shall miny me 
though he dosen't deserve me. Look at rae, captain ; 
many women not possessed of halt" my charms, and old 
enoujih to be my gi-andmothers, bave inariied young 
husbands : but mr. Stubborn who is as o'd — I mean as 
midtllc-aged — as myself ; — well no matter. 

Capt. C. Now, Martin, our hopes rest ujioa you. 

Mrs. Lat. And remember, you hare undertaken to 
reclaim my renegade. 

Mat\ If I fail may I be stri[)t ol'my livery, and follo^v 
the plough for the remainder of tny life. I'll now creep 
back through the wall, and prepare my master to meet 
the iiigh lady of fashion, Fiiitilia. J\liss Emily is to make 
lier appearance when I cough. [ccccunt sevcralli/ 

SCENE IV — the front of the houses es inthejirst scene, 
enter martin and stvbeor:^, from Stubborn^s. 

Stub. Give me joy, Martin, give me joy. In three 
days my brother will be here, and on the fourtli the 
captain shall marry Flirtiii.i, and rilm;^rry Ejnily at the 
same time. 

Mar. The devil you will, (aside) If you wait four 
days, I tremble ibr your guccess. in that time Emily 
may etiect, what we must, by all means, endeavor to 
prevent. Sh(; may obtain an interview with the captain 
and reclaim his ajfections. 

St^ub. So you tidnk Flirtilla does not like him. 

I}lar. I'm certain she dosen't : and, a word in your 
«ar, — the young devil is over head and cars in love with 
you. 

Stiib. Impossible ! 

Alar. So one would think, sir. {looking athimsig- 
nificantljf) 

Stub. Not at all ; nothing more likely ; I'm not to 
be sneesiFd at neither. 

Mar. if aside) Apropos I talking of sneezing reminds 
me that it's time to cough, [coughs) 

Stub.] See, Martin, here comes that cargo of fashion 
and folft' from London, Fiiitilia. 



i?^ IHE HOLE [Pool© 

cnfo- EMii.Y, as FLiRTiLLA, (Iressedhi theveri) extreme 
of fashion, and assuming a tone of voice and a manner 
excessively affected. 

Emily. Ah ! ray dear rar. Stubborn, I aip overwhelm- 
ed with joy at seeing you, — Ton my honor you look 
monstrous well ; I suspect you rouge ; rouge, you know, 
is getting in with the gentlemen. 

Stub. Miss Flirt iila, I rejoice — 

Emily. Apropos ! talking of rouge, how is my sister 
Emily ? dosen't use it I know, trusts to nature, foriorn 
hope J nature does pretty well sometimes, but nothing 
equal to this — real parisian ; nature knows nothing about 
fashionable complexions ; tints mawkish and insipid, or 
a viilgarity in her coloring quite disgusting ; her milk 
ip.ai(i-compIexious, indeed, are asses bien, as you <:ay. 

Stub. I say ! 1 haven't even thought of a milkmaid 
thCftG twenty years. 

Emily. Jpropns ! I think— eh ? what was I going 
to think 7 oh ! ah ! very true, I wish family liad a little 
of my spirit and animation. 

Siuh. I wish the devil had it all ! 

Emily. Tis every thing to a girl w ith a tolerable 
face ; it sets her ofi'to the best advantage- ; she strikes* 
she enebant^, she over-powers, she hei;,\ho ! 

Mar. Mark that, sir. 

Sluh. Egad ! I believe you're right, Mai "tin. 

Emily. Now might I but confess ! on % look, one 
smile, one sigh — Cupid ! hearts ! dai'ts ! 

Mar. Ah ! dont iet her seduce you, sir. 

Stub. Never fear me: I'm an old bird; ghe slia'n't 
put salt upon my tail. 

Emily. Oh, sir, pardon my confusion ! 

Stub. Stand out of the way, she's going to> pop the 
qr.estion. 

Ein'.ly. Youinust perceive the conflict whic' !i agitates 
my hosoiii ; resign, my sister Emily, and save, ( )h 1 save, 
a fond female from distraction, [kneels) 

Stub. Here's a pretty situation lor a young <^ emon of 
sixty! madam, it grieves me to decline so di^ti iguisii€(]i 
^.n {(iTcr, but oar tcrii5)crs, ©ur habits—-— 



Act 15 IN THE WALL 21 

Emily. Oh, sir ! you shall find me any thing yo»i 
desire ; I'll change *' iVom gay to grave, tVora lively to 
snvere." — .When in London, if you object to my having 
card-parties, I'li be content to give masque rados ; slioukl 
my balls and concerts be unpleasant to you, I'll suffer 
you to go to bed at eight o'clock whenever I give thcjn. 

Stub. Vastly acconnnodaling ! 

EmVy. Then in tiie country we'll be amiably pasto- 
m\, you a'Damon, I a Piiillis ; purling streams, rural con- 
certs, nightingales, linnets, crows, ravens, cuckoos, jack- 
daws, caw -caws. 

Stub. Martin, she's cracked, gone, march hare. 

Mar. A little touohtd I'm afraid, sir. 

Stub. Excuse me, madam, but I neith-^r like ladies 01 
ion nor pastoral Piuilises. 

EmHu. Tiien excuse m?*, sir, but I have set my heart 
upon having yon, and 1 vy'ili have you. 

Stub. Pshaw ! nonsense ! madam, you compel Me t© 
declare that I not only, danm chcumlocution ! I hat« 
you.-^l tiiink she can't misunderstand that. 

Emily. Hear this tiiou outraged god ot -ove ! I, young, 

amiable, and beautihd, to be rejected by a bat 1 il 

be revenged ; I'll marry the captSyn, afid ids happiness 
shall be so much my care that you shall iXU^- oi'envy and 
remorse. 

mrs. LATCHET and captain courtney appear — Emily, 
joins them. 

J:itub. Ha ! ha ! ha ! so be it. Now, if I dont make 
her marry him instantly, slie may start some new whioai 
and refuse him. Now, Mailin, run to tlie post-office and 
see if tiicre be any iettcis fur me. 

Mar. I [ly. sir. [cx'V Martin 

{Mrs. I.atchet, captain Courtney, and Emily advance) 

Emily. Come, my dear Edward, let u? thank mr. 
Stubborn for his kind consent. 

Capt. C. In giving me tlie hand of my Fiirtilla, sir, 
yon have rendered mo happy for life. 

Stub, (aside) For life ! then he intends to hang him- 
eclf before the honevmoon is over. 



"22 THE IIOLP: [Poole 

Mrii. L'df. The wretch dosen't dri^n to notice me ! 
Stub. O, the devil ! shr/s here.— Ei'od, I'll take conr- 
as^e ; t must spring the mine some time or other, so the 

soouer done the better, i^irs. Latch nhoo ! 1 

have got the miteh in my haiid, Unt expect so tremen- 
dous an exp'io.^ion that I'm afraid to fire the train. — Mrs. 
Latchet, njadaui, to please you I have granted the re- 
quest of ihc young people there, and iu return I trust you 
will not refuse mine. 

Mrs. Lat. {asuJe) Oh ! then I have wronged him. 
Sir, I can refuse you nothing ; spare my bhishes i but, 
it" you wish to marry ms, oh, sir '.say it at once. 

Stub, (aside) An rxmorous old' tool ! ma«Jam, I have 
nothing to request but thit you vvil! return me the prom- 
ise I gave you ; I gave it in a moment of youthful in- 
discretion, and 

Mrs. Lat. Brute ! perfidious ivretch ! and am I to be 
made the sport of your caprices ? but 1 Jiave done with 
you ; you need not (ear any more of my tender reproach- 
es, you villain ! take back your broken promise ; there, 
I discard you for ever ! [throws a paper at him) 

Stub, [tearhig it) Huzza ! luizza ! now, captnin, hav- 
ing broken my ov.n chains, I'll rivet yours. You and 
Flirtiila shall be married within an hour ; and , on ray 
brother's arrival, you shall witness my marriiige with 
Emily. 

enter martin — gives a letter to Stubborn. 

Capt. C. Martin, all has succeeded, and we shall be; 
united within an hour. 

Mar. Bravo ! I'll announce the glorious intelligtmce to ) 
Fanny. [exit to Stubihorn-s^ 

Stub, {having read the letter) So much the bt^tter. 

Here is a letter from my brother ; listen : [reads J "' Im- 

*' portant business detains me in London ; so do not wait 

^ " my arrival, but marry your ward, Emily, immediLvte- 

- ly." 

Emily. O heavens ! tJien we are lost ! 

Stub. So, my dear Flirtiila, I'll go to the attorney 1» 
the village, order him to prepare the contracts iramed,\r 



Act I] IN THE WALL i>3 

ately, and delay yoni* marriage till tlie evening, ivlien 
vpe'li make a double wedtSins,. [exit 

Cap,. C. Confusion ! we're undone ! 

Emily. Our project is linstnited. 

Mrs. Lat. And my marri;ige more distant than ever. 
But I see how it is, that villain Martin has bettayed us. 

Capt. C. HI thought tiiat, the scoundrel should pay 
dearly lor it. 

enter martijt, leading on FA^SYmith an air of triumph. 

Mar. Now, Fanny, for a brilliant reception. 

Capt. C. O you rascal ! 

Emily. The t-aitor has ruined us. 

I^irs. LaL L€t us han«; the villain on the door-post. 

Capt C. [draws) Con-ess, or I'll run you througii the 
body. 

Fanny. Why, Martin, is tins our brilliant reception ? 

Mar. Be quiet ; can't you take the joke ? 

Capt. C. You abominable rascal ! ruin us and call it a 
joke! but I' 11 

Mar. Hold, sir, pray ; one word, are yon serious ? 

Capt. C. Serious! this is no time for Jesting; the let- 
ter yon gave old Sti'bLorn was from his brother ; he gives 
him permission to many Emily instantly, and theoldfel- 
lon- has determined on a <Ioublc marriage this evening. 

Mar. Then we're nailed up ! but do not doubt my 
probity, sir, for I've done all in my power to cheat my 
master. 

Fanny. For my sake spare him, sir, at least till we 
have been married a month or two. 

Capt. C. No, the rascal shall suffer. 

Mar. Mercy, sir, mercy ! if you kill mc I shall certain- 
ly die upon the spot. 

Capt. C. Well, for the present you may live. 

Mar. Anrl that's no easy nratter as times go. 

Capt. C. But upon condition that you help as out of 
this difficulty. 

Mar. (aside) Would I were at Constantinople ! sir, I 
Slave it, t'u yosir only hope, follow my example, run 
:iwaT r'\T/f into Sfttbbm'n^.^ 



24 THE HOLE [Poole 

Capt. C. Confusion ! but he shall not escape thus. (/oZ- 

lowiiig) 

Mrs. Lat. Kill him, captain, by all means. 

Fanny, {detaining firm) Sir, sir, wonltl you follow him 
into mr. Stubborn's house ? shonhl i;c return and find 
you there, every thing would inevitably be discovered ; 
as it is, we may yet hope to deceive him. Now, miss, 
jjo to mrs. l/j,tchet's, chan2:e your dress, and return in- 
stantly, through the pannel, to your own apartment. 

Capt C. Now, Fanny, our ho{)es rest upon you ; en- 
deavor to prevail with Martin to rejoin us ; promise him 
any tiling, every thing. 

Fanny. Never fear, sir; in love, as in politics, when 
a gentleman is generous, and has a woman in his interest, 
there is not any thing he may not hope to accomplish.- 
(exit into Stubborn's — wrs. Latcket, Emily ^ and capi. 
Courtney, into mrs. LalcheVs. 

END OF THE FIRST ACT. 



ACT II. 

SCENE — Stubbom^s garden. 
JEREMY discovered at work. 

Jer. Ay, Jeremy's a blockhead, and Jeremy's a drunk- 
ard, and Jeremy can't see clearly ! when I said I see'd 
them'cre traitors together this morning, they told me as 
h >w I was drunk ! now I wasn't drunk, though I confess 
I might hare been what they call a little funny I well, we 
shall see who is right by and by. Perhaps, now, I dont 
see three people together, who, as the vulgar say, are as 
thick as three in a bed. Here they comes ; but I won't 
listen ; do, listening is paltry work, and Jeremy's an hon- 
orable man. I'll just rest myself behind that 'ere tree i 
and, if they should talk so loud that I can't help hearing 
them, why it will be no laalt oimice. [lies donm hrkiml 
a tree) 



Actil] IN THE WALL l^S 

enter emily, fanny, and mar rirv. 

Mar. No, madam, I must resign. Acting as primf! 
minister to two young lovers is a dangerous employment. 

Fanny. But, Martin, for my sake 

Emily. And, consider, Martin, \{ you abandon us. — 

Mar. Indeed, madam, I'd rather you'd Ibrui your ad- 
ministration without couf^idcring me. 

Emily. But, Martin ; we can't succeed without yoii^ 

Mar. Sorry for it ; mtist take care ol" mys« If, 

Emily. And Martin, wear this ring for my sake. 

Mar. O, madam; my duty to you is paramount lo 
every personal consideration, (aside) In politics nothiua; 
succeeds so v/ell as a little coquctryi, 

Fanny. Now, have you a scheme/ready cut and dried ? 

Mar. A scheme ! a thousand I 

Emily. VViiat's to be iionf^ ? 

Mar. That first scheme of mine wjis too extraordinary 
a hit, that it is the pivot upon which all our future pro- 
ceedings must turn. 

Fan. Then, miss, return to your chamber, be ready 
to resume tko part of Flirlilla at a moment's notice; 
and through the means of that disguise, we may yet d^> 
ceive your guardiaji. 

{.Jerewy comes fonvard) 

Jer. I have accidentally overheard all yoin' plans ; but 
dontbe afraid. 

Mar. {coJifused) Ai'raid I oh, no ! you*re a man of 
too much honor to 

J«7'. Very true ; Jeremy is an lionorable man. I 
scorns a paltry underhanded trick, so I gives you all fair 
notice, as how 1 shall instantly tell my master all I 
knows. [exit 

{they look at each other for scm.'. time ivi consternation) 

Fan, Mailiti. 

Mar. Fan.ny. 

Emily. \Vc are lost. 

Mar. We are sewed up ! but, stay — (to EmUy) Joes 
old Stubborn know vour sister's hand writing;? 

Emily. No. ' 
1- 



20 THE HOLE [Poole 

Mar. Nor yours ? 

Fan. Never wrote Iiun a billet in all my life. 

Mar. Then we may yet be saved; a letter shall 
save us. 

Emily. But tlie discovery of my disguise. 

Mar. Shall be turned to our advantage. 

Emily. What do you intend ? 

Mar. Briedy this — but here comes the old scoundrel 
and the youus; scoundrel with him. 

[Stubborn and Jeremy appear listening) 

Emily. We are observed. 

Mar. So much the better : bes; my assistance ; do 
you take ? be pathetic. 

Emily. Save me, Martin ! protect, assist me ! see mc 
kneeling at your feet. 

Fan. Oh, Martin, be not blind — deaf, I mean, to our 
entreaties, [they kneel.) 

Mar. Rise : I can resist no longer, go and prepare a 
disguise ; I have promised to assist you, and I will con- 
quer or perish in the attempt, [softly) Now, Fanny, 
come and write a letter which I'll dictate to you. 

[exeunt 
(Stubborn and Jeremy comefortvardj 

Jer. Now, sir, I hope you're convinced that Martin, 
the man who does all your odd jobs, your tetotum as you 
call him, is a rascal. 

Stub. Oh, this world ! this world ! 

Jer. [aside) Now, if I could but wriggle myself into 
Martin's place ! well, sir, I say nothing ; but you may 
thank Jeremy that yon arc not made the dupe of one of 
the most complicated pieces of villany that was ever 
conceived by the heart of man. [aside) There ; when 
preferment is to be gained by eloquence, I believe men 
become orators by instinct. 

Stub. I always thought him honest. How could he 
impose upon me, who am an acknowledged physiogno- 
mist. 

Jer. Now I, who am no physmy — hem ! I always 
knew him for a rogue. 

Stub. But I'll overthrow their rebellious scheme?; I'll 
confound their politics. 



Act HJ IN THE WALL 27 

Jer. Ah ! you'll find them too much for you. Now 
l^t me advise you, sir. 

Stub. How dare you talk of advising me ? I defy 
tiiem and all their works. O ! here comes the knave ; 
I'll work him lor this. 

. Jer. You know what an artful tongue he has ; now, 
take my advice 

^tub. Damn the follow, he'll smother me with his ad- 
vice. Will you close those damned jaws of yours ? do 
you tiiink I'm to be deceived. 

enter martix. 

Mar. (aside) We'll tiy. O, sir ; I've been looking for 
you high and low. 

Stub. Here's a shameless rascal. 

Mar. I have been just in time to save you from a 
plot that 

Stub. Ay : you're a faithful, trusty fellow. 

Mar. Now you know I hate to be praised. But lis- 
left, sir. 

Stub. You tf^n-fold traitor ! you constellation of rogue- 
ry ! leave my house; quit my service. 

Mar. Amazement! at the moment when I come to 
render you a signal service. 

' Stub. O thou — but I'll hear him out for the joke of 
the thing. 

Mar. First take this rina:, sir ; I received it of miss 
Emily as a bribe to deceive you. But tis yours, sir ; 
you are to marry miss Emily ; her property ought then 
to come unimpaired into your hs^i'is, and hea,ven Ibrbid 
that I should touch one sixpence of it. 

Stub. Why this looks like honesty: oh! I knew ail 
along he was honest. 

Jer. He's as great a rogue as Alexander the Great. 

'stub. But come, Martin ; what of the plot ? 
' Mar. Fhst tell me one thing, sir. Is it true you in- 
tend to bring the sisters together, and make a double 
wedding ? 

Stub. This very hour. 

Mar. Fire, water, and the other elements ! what at 



2Q THE HOLE [Poole 

kfiack thes€ women bave of turning every thing to their 
own advantage ! read tliis letter, sir, which Flirtilla has 
contrived to get delivered to Emily, 

Stub. Yon dont say so ! how could she manage to do 
that ? 

Mar. That's the mystery, sir ; well, tis a hard thing to 
suspect any body, hnt— [looking signijicantly at Jeremy) 
how d'ye do, Jeremy ? 

Jer. Whal does he mean by that ? 

Mar. Read tlie letter, sir ; read the letter. 

Stub, [reads] " My dear Emily, your guardian is de- 
" sirous that I should marry your lover, captain Court- 
'* ney ; I have feigned consent ; but I am determined to 

" marry your guardian, and none but him." O the 

little rogue ! " and none but him ; for I think he will 
" vcfy sooii be knocketl oft' the hooks, and boxed up !" 
knoeked off tiie hooks and bo^ed up ! ah, there's the 
secret of her affection for me this morning ; come, I like 
that. 

Mar. You see, sir, she's the finished lady of fashion. 

Jer. Master, you always said as how y»u'd be buried 
under tlse hirge mulberry tree, and that I should have the 
pleasure of burying you. 

Stub. What ! in compliance with the rage for ama- 
teurs, you want to be an amateur uudeitaker, 1 suppose. 

Mar. Read on, sir ; the cream of the joke is to come. 

Sttib. [;reads) " As we aje to be married at the same 
" time, y/e'H exchange dresses and counterfeit each oth- 
'' er's manners, so that, old Stubborn, being deceived, 
" he'd give you to your old lover, captain Courtney, 
" and niarry me himselr; yours, Flirtilla." O the sor- 
ceress ! so, this is the disguise that blockhead Jeremy 
told me of. 

Jer. My old master is in a bad way, I see. 

Mar. Now you see it all, sir, Emily gave me this let- 
ter, which she got the lord knows how ; by the by, we 
iiiust pump Jeremy upon that subject. 

Stub. True, she miglit have bribed him. 

Jer. So,, afier uli, I'm to be |lie rojfue, and he the hon» 



Vt lij IN THE WALL li, 

Stub. How a tliick headed fellow may confuse a plain 
story ! Jereiuy overheard your conversatioti with Emily, 
and came to me with a blundering hodge-podge tale 
about treason and plot 

Mar. No, sure ! you surprise me. 

Stub. Why, according to J sreray's account, one would ■ 
have thought you the greatest knave in existence. 

Mar. What, I, sir ? well ; Jeremy may be a very clev- 
er cabbage cutter, but he certainly is a bad jadge of 
character. 

Jer. Lord have mercy ! what a hypocritical, canting 
fellow ! he's a perfect Judas. 

Mar. Well, Jeremy, i forgive you ; though you have 
wronged me, you've shown your zeal for our master. 
Now, dont be angry with him, sir; wnat can one expect 
of a poor, foolish garderter ; a poor tlolt. Who passes one 
half of his time in sowing tiirnipo, and the ether in dig- 
ging them up again ! 

Stub. Well, 1 forgive him. 

Mar. And 1 forgive him. 

Jer. O, I shall go mad ! now take my advice, sir — 

Stub. Advice, again ! Martin, knock him down. 

Mar. Now, Jeremy, you know I'm a|dutiful servant, 
take the hint and go away. 

Jer. Thai fellow has some reason iov, wanting me to 
go, so here I'll stick. 

liiar: 1 believe that cursed gardener m?ans to take 
root here. 

Scub. Now, Martin, let's consider how we may defeat 
those conspirators. 

Mar. You have only to prevent their seeing each oth- 
er, and to put into execution yoiu' first immortal project 
of getting that giikly, wavepng F!irtil!a, married out of 
hand, to that detestable foot-soldier. 

Stub. Ay; the first, thoughts of a great genii.-s are al- 
wtiys the be>t; it shall be so : I'm as immovable as st. 
Paul's. 

Mar. (asidn) Then 've're safe at last. 

StV'b. StoD: — i've a better scheme in my bead. 
€ 2 



3,^ THE HOLE [PooJe 

Mar. fasiikj I wish that prolific head of his were under 
Jeremy's mulberry-tree.- Well, sir? 

Stub. My first step shall be to marry Emily myself. 

Mar. Dead and buried ! 

Stub. You admire my scheme, eh ? 

Mar. Prodigiously. But why ? 

Stub. It shall be so : I'm safe then at all events : and 
1 expect the attorney here instantly with the papers, rea- 
dy tor signature. 

Mar. A thunderbolt ! 

Jer. I can tell by Martin's physmy — hang the word, 
that my master's doing right. 1 say, Martin, we two hon- 
est servants will make a holiday on the occasion. 

Stub. Martin, you rogue, keep my secret, and you shall 
see the biter's bit. You'll relish that : w^on't it be mon- 
strous fine ? ha ! ha ! but wiiy dont you laugh ? see how 
Jeremy laughs. 

Mar. He, he, he ! I can't laugh any more ; I'm quite 
exhausted. Oh ! curse their hard-iiearted mirth ! 

Stub. Now, come, Martin ; come, Jeremy ; we'll go 
in and prepare. I'm so pleased that I could Ia.ugh till 
this time twelve-months. [exit 

Jer. Come, honest Martin. [exit 

Mar. I'll break your bones, you potatoe-digging rascal. 
Ruined, beyond hope ! the most amusing thing I can do 
is to hang myself. But hold ! I'm not at my wit's-en(J 
yet; and I'll be haiige4 if I hang myself till I am. I'll 
make another trial j so tremble master of mine, for the 
widow shall yet be yours ; the captain shall yet marry 
Emily. I'll marry Fanny, by way of parenthesis, and, 
as for Jeremy, oh ! it's quite shocking to think of the re- 
venge I'll take upon that rascal. [exit 

SCENE II — the two houses as bejore. 
enter fanny and martin, /rom Stubborn's. 
Mar. Now, Fanny, you see tiirough it at once. 
J mi. Yes, clearly ; but why ? 

Mar. We have no time for why's, for here he comes ; 
Jeieinv is in our way, and we musjt destroy Stubborn'?. 



Act IIj IN THE WALL 31 

confidence in him. Now, slap ray face, but not rery 
hard, and run into the house ; and, when I cough, return 
with Emily. 

Fan. There rar. Honesty, take that, and tell tales again. 
{.she slaps his face, and runs into Stubborn's house as ha 
is coming out) 

Mar. Oh, lord ! oh, lord ! 

enter stubborn. 

Stub. Why — why — what's the matter here ? 

Mar. The matter ! feel my cheek, sir ! 

Stub. 1 dont understand you. 

Mar. I dont know how you should. Fanny has 
just given me such a slap o'tlie face, that nothing 
tess than a practical illustration could give you an 
idea of it. 

Stub. How dared she do that ? 

Mar. Because I was honest, and gave you the letter 
Flirtilla sent to Emily. 

Stub. And who told her you did ? 

Mar. Dont ask me, sir. 

Stub. I insist upon knowing. 

Mar. When a man has established a reputation for 
honesty, tis hard to be obliged to overthrow it. No, sir, 
friendship prevails over duty, and I would not expose 
Jeremy for the world. 

Stub. Jeremy ! 

Mar. O no, slv ; did I say Jeremy ? 

Stub. O tempora I o mores ! 

Mqt. O iercray ! however, sir, as you know so much, 
you may as well know all. Jeremy is over head and ears 
in love with Fanny ; and, with a view to gain her fa- 
vor, has betrayed us, and exposed our plans. 
' Stub. A treacherous hopocritical rascal ! 

Mar. Really, sir, when I reflect upon the deceit and 
villany that is practised in this world, I am almost tempt- 
ed to fly to a desert, and end my days among honest li- 
ofis and unsophisticated tigers : animals that dont profess 
one thing and mean another, but ingenuously roar, aiu^ 
cindidly swallow one alivr. 



JJ THE HOLE l^Fo 

Stub. How unfortunate that they should discover our 
plans ! 

3Iar. But we're even with them, sir, for I have dis- 
covered theirs. Jeremy has undertaken to procure Emi- 
ly an interview with the captain : upon this spot, and 
about this time, they are to, meet t'ov the purpose. 

Stub. We must prevent that, Martin. 

Mar. Tis done, sir ; I've locked the garden-gate upon 
Jeremy, and here's the key of it. 

Stub. Yo.'i're a treasure, Martin. 

Mar. {aside) Now tor it. [coughs) Here they come, 
expecting to find Jeremy. 

Stub. A thought strikes me : instead of Jeremy, they 
shall find nie. 

Mar. Vv^hat an immense head you have got, sir. An 
old jack-ass ! 

enter emily cjid! fanny. 

Fanny. Now ibr our faithfuSJeremy, madam. 

Emily. 1 hope we shall not be discovered together by 
my guardian. 

Fanny. Or his faithfijl servant, the lynx-eyed Martin. 

Stub. Ladies, your most obedient very humble ser- 
vant. 

Emily, [a^tcling surprise) O heavens ! my guardian ! 

Fanny. Lord ha' mercy ! my master ! 

Stub. Dont accuse Jeremy of want of galJantry, ladies ; 
this little instrumesit {shows the kec) prevents his waiting 
upon you. 

Jer. {rviihout) Miss Emily, Fanny, master, Martin, I 
can't get out. 

Mar. D'ye hear him, sir ? tis well I locked the gate. 

Fanny. Monster! I'll match yon for this. 

Mar. FoT sharce, Fanny ; to seduce Jel'emy frojii Iiis 
duty. 

Emily. Alas ! I must submit to my fate. 

Fanny. I'dsulimit indeed, with a plague to it. Ilon'-- 
cver, it ^7i}l be your own fault if you are not a widow be- 
fore the honey moon is over. 

Stub. O you young spirit of rebellion ; but come, my 
wife that is to be, I'l! secure you in your chamber till the 



Act ri] IN THE WALL 33 

contract is ready for your signature ; and your accom- 
plished second shall accompany you. 

Fanny. One nord, sir — I — I — I — oh ! I only wish you 
were my husbautl. 

Stub. Ha, ha, ha ! tliey're at their wit's eud ; biit 
come my pretty innocents. 

{exeunt into Stubborn'' s 
Mar. Now prepare the captain and mrs. Latchet. 

[ejcit into mrs. LatcheVs 

enter jerkmy — stvbbokn following with a horsc'ivhip. 



Stub, There, you lascal ; now plot against me another 
time. 

Jer. Indeed, sir, I'm as innocent of it all as a sucking 
pig. I know tliat cursed Martin 

Stub. Yes, honest Martin ha* exposed you. 

Jer. You'll suffer for this in the end. 

Stub. But I know your tricks now. Egad, you're a 
pretty fellow for a lover, though ! Fanny has won your 
pumpkin of a heart, eh ! 

Jer. Fanny 1 oh ! I see how it is. 

tnter martin , from mrs. LatcheVs, cautiousli/. 

Mar. (aside) Oh, oh ! fee has caught it, I see. Well, 
sir, W€'re safe now. 

Stub. Yes, yes ; we shall do now, Martin. 

Jer. Once more, sir ; let me advise you. 

Stub. Adyise again ; I'll horse whip you again, sir- 
rah. 

Fanny, [at Stubborn'' s mndon)) Sir, if you think Jer- 
emy deserves another flogging, I'm sure he'll take it 
with pleasure, for my sake. 

Stub. An excuse to look for the captain. Shut that 
window, hussy. 
' Jer. (going) Well, if he likes to be cheated, he mt,y. 

Stub. Stay you here, sir : that fellow wants to be at 
his plots again. 

Jer. It's all over with him. Now take ray— hem ! 

Emily, {at Stubborn's mndow) In pity listen to m«^ 



'J-1 THE HOLE [Poole 

Fanny. Pray, sir, consider raj poor mistress's situation. 

Stub. Pray ladies shut liiat window, or I'll shoot you. 
(they retire) 

Mrs. Lat. {at her own ovindow) P»Ir. Stubborn, once 
morel give you warning, that if you dont keep your 
word with me, I'll post you all over London. 

Emily, {as Flirtilla, atmrs. LatcheVs window) I must 
see ray sister — 'pon my honor. 

Ca^t. C. O, let me once more see my poor Emily. 

Fanny, {at Stubbor7i's, as ifcaUing to Emily) Madam, 
quick, — here's the captain. 

Stub. Down with that window, {she retires) 

Mar. Here coraes mr. Snapall, the attorney, sir. 

Stub. Then ail is safe. Now, good people, prepare, 
for here comes the executioner, {they retire) 

enter snapall. 

Stub. Welcome, my dear sir : now, now, now for 
the papers. 

Snap. Here they are : but, in your haste this morning 
you forgot to give me the names of the Indies. 

Mar. {whispers him) — Mum ; the ladies themselves 
will give 'em. 

Snap. Shall we go and execute the contracts, sir ? 

Stub. For certain reasons, sir, I must remain fixed to 
this spot, so I"?, do my part of the business here, {aside) 
That will e^eciually prevent Emily's seeing the captain. 

S}iap. Then here is pen and ink, sir. This is the con- 
tract of your marriage with your vrard ; this for the mar- 
riage of the other lady and the captain. 

Stub, ril first secure my own happiness ; Timothy 
Stubborn ; {signs) there. Now, sir, take this key, go to i 
that room, and there you'll find my dear intended, with 
her attendant. There, that's the jade. ! 

Fanny, {at th", window — as if speaking to Emily) O, 
madam, it is all o\ er with us. 

Stub. Stie may refuse to sign at first, bat you must 
make her do it. I 

Snap. She's to marry you ; if I Can't make her sign to | i 
a bad bargain, then I'm no lawyer. I 

[exit into Stubborn^s 



Act II] IN THE WALL 36 

Fanny, {nithin) O, madam, I'd rather die than sign. 

Mar. O, that terrible, woman ! 

Jer. Betore it's too late, now take my advise. 

Stub. Get out of my way, or I'll knock you down, 
rascal. 

Simp, {at Stubborn' s ivindon) The lady refuses to sign, 
sir. 

Stub. If you dont ^ign that instrument this moment, 
I'll deprive you of every shilling of your fortune. 

Snap. That has had the effect ; tis done, sir. 

Stub. Then I'm the happiest man alive : embrace me, 
Martin, tol de rol. 

enter snap all from the house. 

Snap. Nov/, sir, for the captain and his fair one- 
y'ou must first sign your consent to their marriage — 
here. 

Stub, {signs a paper) With all my soul, there ; you 
will find them at that house. 

[exit Snapallinto mrs. LatcheVs 

Fanny. May we come down, sir. 

Stub. Ay, instantly ;for I'm impatient to embrace ray 
bride : and here, Jeremy, as I know you like to be busy, 
take this key, and conduct the ladies hither. 

Jer. Well ; but its your concern. 

[exit Jeremy 

Stub. Egad, Martin, my boy, if you like the widow, 
bow's your time ; she has got the bit. 

Mar. {aside) You'll find she's got the bridle. Thank'e, 
sir ; but Fanny and I are going to make each other hap- 
py : besides the widow is on the point of marriage. 

Stub. The devil she is ! what, then, she has been do- 
ing all this to deceive me ? 

Mar, So you'll find, sir : but here she comes, to 
speak for herself. 

enter jeremy, fanny ajid mrs. latchet, the contract 
in her hand, from Stubborn'' s. 

Jer. You had better have taken my advice, sir. 
Stub. What do I see ? 



3G THE HOLE IN THE WALL. [Poo!e 

Mrs. Lat. Penelope Arabella Latchet, your lovin«; 
wife. 

Stxib. What does this mean ? ara I in my senses ? 
where is Emily ? 

trUer, from mrs. Lat cheVs, capt. courtney 07^cmily. 

Emily. Here I am, sir : the same Flirtilla yon so 
ungallantly rejected this morning. 

Stub, I'll not believe it : I'll sw'car I .onversed with 
you at that window ; with Flirtilla at the other. 

Fanny. I'll explain it all, sir. This morning, in mi$8 
Emily's apartment, IMarti a discovered a hole in the wall, 
opening to )nrs. Latciiet's. We have availed ourselves 
of it in the way you sec ; and miss Emily has alternately 
appeared as herself, and as Flirtilla. 

Stub. So Jeremy is the honest miin, after all. 

Mar. Yes, sir ; and I the rogue, at your service. "^ 

Stub. I shall go nwd ! what am I to do ? 

Jer. Why, take my advice, sir. 

Stub. O, damn your advice. 

Capt. C. It will add to my present happiness, sir, to* 
know that I possess your friendship. 

Mrs. Lat. My dear, wc shall be very happy together , 
upon one condition, 

Stub. A'ly thing i'ov a quiet life. Nanje it. 

Mrs. Lot. I must have everything my own way. 

Stub. Well, we must all make ourselves as happy as 
we can ; but that source of all evil, that cursed hole iu 
tlie woll, shall be blocked up. 

Fanny. Hold, sir : against that decree I appeal to our ; 
frj' nds here ; and, I trust, they will allow tlie hole in ths 
nvJA tu continue. 



THlf KN0 or THK SOLE IX THE VVALL 






LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 




014 525 194 1 



'MX 



